Sunday's Message - When Our Feelings Hurt

Here's the message I offered during the celebration service in the First United Presbyterian Church of Brilliant Ohio and the Presbyterian Church of Hopedale, Ohio on Sunday, September 6, 2020.

Matthew 18:15-20 – Contemporary English Version

If one of my followers sins against you, go and point out what was wrong. But do it in private, just between the two of you. If that person listens, you have won back a follower. But if that one refuses to listen, take along one or two others. The Scriptures teach that every complaint must be proven true by two or more witnesses. If the follower refuses to listen to them, report the matter to the church. Anyone who refuses to listen to the church must be treated like an unbeliever or a tax collector. 

I promise you that God in heaven will allow whatever you allow on earth, but he will not allow anything you don’t allow. I promise that when any two of you on earth agree about something you are praying for, my Father in heaven will do it for you. Whenever two or three of you come together in my name, I am there with you.

When Our Feelings Hurt

Let me ask you a question, have you ever had your feelings hurt? And it doesn’t matter whether it was intentional or not. Has anyone ever said or done something or maybe not said or done something that just made you feel sad? Now I think if we’re honest with ourselves the answer is “yes.” 

And speaking for myself, I know it happens to me all the time. As my wife will tell you, I have tender feelings, and so, I’m easily hurt. I wish it weren’t the case, but what can you do? As a matter of fact, right now, it’s my daughter who’s kind of bruised my emotions. You see, about three weeks ago, Debbie and I took Maggie down to Morgantown, and even though I’ve been religious is sending her at least two text messages a day, one in the morning when I’m walking the dog and the other at night before I go to bed, even though I’ve done that every day since August 17, she’s been less than diligent in responding. For example, I haven’t heard from her since 11:14 Thursday evening, that’s five messages ago but who’s counting? Now, to be honest, that’s hurt my feelings a little bit. But of course, I don’t want her to know it, and so I’m putting my disappointment in a sermon. You see, even though I post all my messages on line, I can be absolutely confident she’ll never read it. Why? Because she’s a freshman at WVU, but I digress. My feelings have been slightly wounded.

Of course, like I said a little while ago, I don’t think that makes me a freak of nature. From time-to-time, I believe even those with skin like elephant hide can be emotionally punctured. And I’ll tell you something else, since those doing the puncturing are often the folks nearest and dearest to us, I think most of us tend to handle it sort of like I’ve responded to Maggie. You see, to avoid anger or hard feelings, we often say and do nothing, and we sort of push the hurt down, hoping it’ll just magically disappear. At least, that’s what we hope. But, of course, that doesn’t happen. Instead it just hangs around, you know, festering and growing as we add new hurts to the pile. And although doing that takes an enormous toll on us when we choose to carry around this garbage, hurt feelings can devastate marriages and families, communities and congregations, even whole countries, as personal slights become wounds so deep and wide that they’ll never been healed.

But you know, this kind of thing certainly isn’t new. As a matter of fact, it’s something Jesus addressed in the passage we just read, a lesson he offered as he was preparing this disciples for that time when he’d no longer be around. And I’ll tell you, that’s going to be our focus this morning. In fact, we’re going to take these verses and consider the three-part plan Jesus offered them and offers us that just might help us when our feelings hurt.

And I believe we find the first part right at the beginning of the passage. You see, if we want to deal with our hurt feelings before they become a problem, I think we need to be clear about our goal. I mean, just listen to what Jesus said, “If one of my followers sins against you, go and point out what was wrong. But do it in private, just between the two of you. If that person listens, you have won back a follower.” [Matthew 18:15, CEV] Now we’re going to talk about this verse again in a little bit. But before we do that, just think about the situation and then the goal. I mean, Jesus was talking about the same kind of thing we’ve been considering, times when we think someone has sinned against us, in other words, times when a person has hurt us in some way. Now that was the situation. And what was the goal Jesus wanted them to have? Man, that’s clear. The goal was to win back a follower, as it says in the Greek, a “brother.” You see, for Jesus, the goal wasn’t revenge or pay-back. It wasn’t even separation or an amicable divorce. Instead, it had to do with reconciliation and restoration. Of course, this kind of goal really shouldn’t surprise us. My gosh, in the verse that immediately follows this passage, “Peter came up to the Lord and asked, ‘How many times should I forgive someone who does something wrong to me [or in the Greek, “who sins against me]? Is seven times enough?’ Jesus answered, ‘Not just seven times, but seventy-seven times!’” [Matthew 18:21-22, CEV] For Jesus, reconciliation and restoration was the goal.

And you know, I think this is something we can apply in our own situations. I mean, just think about how having this as a goal might change both the outcome and the way we get there. I mean, if my goal is to reconcile with the person who hurt me, then am I going to call him names or am I going to look for chances to hurt her back? I don’t think so. Or am I going to avoid him or put on some kind of false face when we’re forced together? No way. Instead I’m going to sort of look inside myself, you know, so I can get a handle on what I’m feeling and why. And then, before I initiate any contact, I’m going to think about what I want to say and how I can say it a way that’s clear and direct but also kind and compassionate. Because remember, my goal isn’t to do unto him because he’s done unto me. Instead, it’s to win back a brother or sister. You see, when our feelings hurt, we need to clear about our goal. And that’s part one.

And the second part, I think we also have to be intentional with our actions. In other words, we need a reconciliation plan, not unlike the one Jesus offered his disciples when he said, “If one of my followers sins against you, go and point out what was wrong. But do it in private, just between the two of you. If that person listens, you have won back a follower. But if that one refuses to listen, take along one or two others. The Scriptures teach that every complaint must be proven true by two or more witnesses. If the follower refuses to listen to them, report the matter to the church. Anyone who refuses to listen to the church must be treated like an unbeliever or a tax collector.” [Matthew 18:15-17, CEV] Now that’s what he said.

And I believe this process can be as valuable for us as it was for them. I mean, just think about what Jesus was saying. Before you have to accept that you probably won’t attain your goal, there are three very clear and definite steps, and none of them involves making a bunch of assumptions or excuses. For example, step one, we need to talk to the one who hurt us and do it in private and not on Facebook. And I’ll tell you, that’s when the clear and compassionate communication may pay off. You see, right here, the problem may be solved, especially if the hurter didn’t intend to wound the hurtee. The follower has been won back and no one else needs to know. But if he or she doesn’t listen to us or won’t accept any responsibility, steps two and three involve the community, first a couple of witnesses and then second, the whole shooting match. And I’ll tell you why I think that’s important. You see, for me, it just makes sense, and I say that for two reasons. I mean, on one hand, it gives us the chance to determine if what we’re feeling is realistic or if we’re making a mountain out of a mole hill. I’ll tell you, a loving spouse or a supportive community can really put things into perspective. You see, on one hand, before we go any further, we really need the thoughts and opinions and insight of others. On the other hand, just having folks around when we share our concerns, well, that might help us stay focused and not be distracted by any arguments or distractions from the other side. Now those are the three steps, and reconciliation is possible in each one. But suppose they all fail and the person who hurt us doesn’t want to be our friend or a part of our group, what should we do? Well, Jesus said, he or she “must be treated like an unbeliever [in Greek, a Gentile] or a tax collector.” Now, I find his choice of images interesting, because even though, in the Gospel of Matthew, an unbeliever or Gentile is always outside the circle, tax collectors were not. I mean, remember, not only did Jesus hang out with tax collectors and even called one to be an apostle, a little later in the story, he’s going to say this to the chief priest and Jewish leaders: "You can be sure that tax collectors and prostitutes will get into the kingdom of God before you ever will! When John the Baptist showed you how to do right, you would not believe him. But these evil people did believe. And even when you saw what they did, you still would not change your minds and believe." [Matthew 21:31b-32, CEV] Tax collectors have reason to hope. And so, in light of this, I guess we should still hold out some hope ourselves, even when the people who hurt us also reject us. Things may change, but only if we decide to be intentional in our actions, and that’s part two.

And finally, the third part, when our feelings have been hurt, I believe we need to be humble in our approach. And I think that’s what Jesus was getting at when he said, “I promise you that God in heaven will allow whatever you allow on earth, but he will not allow anything you don’t allow. I promise that when any two of you on earth agree about something you are praying for, my Father in heaven will do it for you. Whenever two or three of you come together in my name, I am there with you.” [Matthew 18:18-20, CEV] Now that’s what he said.

And you know, I think that’s a reminder that the stakes we’re playing with here are incredibly high, and maybe that’s the reason we need to be clear about our goal and intentional with our actions. You see, this isn’t just about us and the other guy, what he did and how we feel. It’s also about God, and his relationship with us and his people. Of course, what Jesus said here is pretty much the same as what he said to Peter after he said that Jesus was the Christ, the son of the Living God. “Jesus told him: Simon, son of Jonah, you are blessed! You didn’t discover this on your own. It was shown to you by my Father in heaven. So I will call you Peter, which means “a rock.” On this rock I will build my church, and death itself will not have any power over it. I will give you the keys to the kingdom of heaven, and God in heaven will allow whatever you allow on earth. But he will not allow anything that you don’t allow.” [Matthew 16:17-19, CEV] In light of this, I guess we’re all rocks and in the key club now. And I’ll tell you, if that doesn’t make you feel a little humble, I don’t know what will. In other words, how we resolve these problems can have a cosmic impact. But not only that, when we’re having that private conversation and when we bring along a friend or two and when we take it to the whole community, who’s also there: Jesus Christ, right? And so, if our efforts to reconcile are fake and if we decide that revenge tastes better than restoration, not only will God know, but we’ll know that God knows. And let’s get real, none of us are smart enough to pull the wool over the eyes of the one who can see the motivation within our hearts. And for that reason, when our feelings hurt, we really need to be humble in our approach. And that’s three.

Of course, none of this makes it easy when we’re emotionally wounded and bruised. I mean, it’s still easier for us to attack or repress, two options that will lead to nothing good. But of course, those aren’t our only options. You see, we can listen to this passage. And when our feelings are hurt, we can decide to be clear about our goal and intentional with our actions and humble in our approach. This we can do. And if we do, we just might win back a brother or a sister, in fact, maybe even a daughter who hasn’t texted her father in two and half days.